I'm going to jail i love you
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
