I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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