Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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