I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
