he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
