He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
