Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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