just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
