I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
