Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
