We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
