shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I need a burrito and a hug.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
