I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
