I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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