we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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