so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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