The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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