Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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