I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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