i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
