I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
