I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
