i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
