My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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