mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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