hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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