I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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