Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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