it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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