If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
