I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
