I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
