By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Randomize
