Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
