obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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