yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
