So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
