Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
