8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
