Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
