apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize