we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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