I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
