Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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