i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
