I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
