Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
