remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
