everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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