Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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