tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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