Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
