I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Someone shattered a urinal.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
