so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
