I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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