I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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