Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
