I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
