mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize