I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize