so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
