He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
pray to the hookup gods
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
