So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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