Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
