Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
