My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
