I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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